Aion 131 5/23/18

We call her name and-
She is there before me.
Not like other visions, misty or slow to emerge- she is just
Clear, every detail clear.
Emanating a light yet extremely dark power
She is wrapped in a flowing gauzy robe
It drifts and move like thin cerements in the breeze
Her body and arms are swaddled in bone white
The same cloth forms a headdress, like a burnouse
And it also forms a veil
Only her eyes, nose and hands and feet are bare,
and I see she is ebony black, dark as night
As are her eyes
Within and upon her form is an equal armed cross of vibrant glowing white
Her ivory wings are outstretched behind her and the pinfeathers are tipped in black that streaks part of the way down each one
She is still as stone, but a feeling of sultry air arises about us from the earth
Shown in the drifting of her gauzy wrappings
I honor her! Oh Angel of Tau! Angel of Saturn!
Black Isis, Veiled Isis, Mother of the secrets of the Earth!
Teach me your mysteries!
She does not speak at all- but-
She points down and the earth parts below her
A crevice opens
She does not fall
But I am drawn down down
Deep into the interior of the black earth
In complete darkness
The silent darkness of the grave
All is still
I fall
Into a cavern
And I land upon something stone
And there are ancient ruins in this dimly-lit cave
Stalagmites above me
The faint redish light comes from nowhere and everywhere
There is the hint of internal fire glow- it is warm
A see that I am sitting upon a wide, ancient and blackened throne
It is worn but has Greek-style carvings
I suddenly KNOW it is the Throne of Hades
I have taken this place.
About the cavern are piles of old dusty items, weapons, vessels and more
Before me is a smaller stone form, I realize it is an altar
It too has vague pillar form carvings on it and is grey-black, ancient, blasted
I know what I must do, but I feel stubborn, resisting-
I do not want to let go
All is now focusing on a glowing equal armed white cross
In my mind I feel her will: LEAVE IT ALL!
I find myself suddenly ripping ancient, pitted, bloody armor off my body
Offering/throwing it onto the altar
Honoring the most ancient chthonian Goddess of the deep earth
As I finish I see all the components of what-who I am
Fly apart as mosaic pieces
I have to adjust them, I am unbalanced
I am unfocused; my inner parts are not in sync
A process of shifting and clicking, all components floating in space,
fitting together in a new way
The puzzle loses useless or broken pieces and slowing comes together
I am more balanced
I am balancing - the cross-Tau
I am more in equilibrium
But I know I am a puzzle-work-in-progress
I slump onto the now darkened throne and utterly
I become a large seed
And Feel the power of the angel reach down
And her pull- her draw gets stronger
And I crack open, becoming a writing seedling
And my roots burrow below the throne to the heart of Earth
And my stalk, thrusts upward through the darkness
And she PULLS me up and up and UP
And I emerge from the Earth as a sapling
And quickly grow to become a full tree
My braches encompass the universe
I am the Tree of Life!
Every now-leafy branch is tipped with a planet, a Sepheroth
I expand UP and cross the veil and then
Upon my brow glows the crescent moon of Yesod.
The TAU Angel embraces the tree that is I
With a slight smile
And all dissolves into darkness

THE SUN re 231


“We are star stuff harvesting sunlight.”
Carl Sagan

And there is a brilliance in the firmament
The sun shines, so very bright
And the truth emerges- it is an EYE
Of eight rayed splendor
fire-vortex pupil spiraling out- and now
Amber tears fall from it
A million arms of golden light descend
Reach out
Grab my spirit and wrench it from my body
Pulling it into the atomic inferno at the heart of the Sun
And I am bathed and all that is darkness is burned away
And all that is known is forgotten
I am one with the spirit of the sun
I breathe the atomic maelstrom of fusion
My being is consumed but reformed of red fire
Arising from the alchemical bath at the heart of the sun
Glowing red
I am filled with power and vibrant brilliant energy
I see now the solar orb above
Beaming joy and bliss upon all beings
Two children emerge from the glittering haze
For she is a moon child and he is the sun child
And they play upon the Earth
And this is the play of every electron and nucleus
This is the play of fusion and fission
This is the play of the cosmos, of dark and light matter
And it is every cell alit within our beings, within all that lives upon the earth
For we are all nothing but solar energy
Every element, every particle of us is from the sun
And as we play, it plays, the cosmos plays
And all dances about the Sun
And so we are blessed
Lux et Sol Fiat!



There is the darkness of space
In the center of all is Hoor paar Krat, the Child
He is translucent, like glass or water
He is crouched down, sitting with one knee up
His finger is to his lips in the sign of silence
For in silence is this working done
We are manifesting The Child in the Group unconscious mind
We are doing the real work of the children
in the darkness
As the force and fire of the Horus child rages about the Word
We together birth the Child Horus of Silence and Strength- of Truth.
About This Child is the universe of endless stars
and they also are somehow all within him.
The whole cosmos is within This Child - all the children are of This Child!
This Child is neither male nor female, but gynander-androgyne
N’Aton in utero.
And then I see This Child is the jewel in the center of the lotus
And the Lotus is a spinning galaxy
The Milky Way
And now allthe rite is centered within This Child
And CLEARLY the HML symbol appears within This Child’s
It is his/her heart
It is of vibrant colors- red and black- shining.
And This Child holds it within him
One hand above, one hand below

And this is our work
This is the Way of it.

New Moon HML Circle
March 2018


A wave, a wave of white, a wave of incandescent white

Like the undulation of a snake, like the serpentine flight of a dragon

I am washed away, I am the sea foam

Dambala Wedo come!

We sing the songs and make the offerings!



And they come!

Two glowing, incandescent white-beyond-white serpents

Like electric cables, hissing and writhing

Like lightning bolts in serpentine form

Like solidified undulating snakes of glowing star-filled rain

Fill me and I am



My body keeps dancing

But the hiss and electricity fill me

And the serpents and glowing icy hot electric frision

On either side of me

IN both sides - within me

And! How can this be?!

Upon my head they ride

Two small entwined serpents glowing


Like a star!

And they entwine abou a pillar, a tree

And I ...I am the tree!

(But they are atop my crown! Upon my Head)

And the serpents entwine within and about my core,

Spirals about my heart

(But! They dance atop my head!)

And the chants and the dance goes on and on ...

like echoes of a dream

And It is not I who dance, it is the serpents

who are my hands and feet

Sliding across the earth, around the axis of all

It is not ‘I’ who see the interior world

But it is seen

For Damabala now faces me

His white serpent head the size of my head

His Eyes bore into mine

His flickering tongue

Touches my forehead

And One hears and feels and understands the whispering

Yet I am blind, deaf and dumb

For ‘I’ am not part of this communion

But I understand: ‘What is it you want?’

And I reply; ‘Take my anger, it is poisoning me’

And like that


Like an old tooth

Or a hair atop my head

It is plucked-


...and I have not sunk completely into the electric milky ocean

Not yet

Only part way- this time-

The coils wrap about me

But I am not subsumed

I am held and empowered

And full of electricity

And the dance ends

As they leave me...gently

Ah ! Blanc Dani Dani Dani!

Ah! Dambala Wedo

I am energized and exhausted and I know

I know now that my shrine is full

That I have work to do

And offerings to make.

And that without this burning anger, this poison

That tastes so delicious

I must face the sadness and pain and depression

Without a sword


This is the way of it.

And if I do not survive the darkness

Then I embrace the white

And will pass on without the red poison

So Peace will be found

One way or the Other.

Ashe Dambala

Thanks to He who Sits upon my Crown.

The rain of Light





The Egg

I see the Egg of Light, Phanes, the bornless seed of illumination.

And I know that it is me, my life, but that which is far beyond THAT.

This egg embodies the limitations that I have self created by the Mayic dance that is all I do.

At this, the time of Saturn - This then at the rebirth of the sun was the vision given to me about the Egg of life- I do not claim revelation truth, just that it was revelatory for me. Here then is the vision:

I was born and for the first part of my life I became who I thought I was, who my parents and environment thought of me. I was what egoic and experiential conjuring I could conceive of and the experiences I managed to amass and make sense of both internally and externally became who I believed I was and the life I believed I had.

Then came my first Saturn Return- the conceptual and experiential egg I had been crafting and gestating in was shattered completely- I cracked through the shell, leaving it in pieces and realized that all I had thought true and real was in fact crafted of of my own creation and, in face, that there was no ‘I’ to create such a thing nor was anything I thought fast and true really solid and real, all was indeed illusion.

So, after this utter awakening and hatching I began to weave a new a new reality, conscious that I was free but now creating yet a new, better, ‘higher’ Egg, one I though grander, more authentic and more True. I expanded my world, wrapt it about others: loved ones, mates, child, travel, career. I had settled into and ‘created’ what i believed was a real life, one of expansion and growing knowledge and practice, both within and without. My self definition changed, began to include professional, father, husband, adept, writer, homeowner and Man. Many more masks did I experience and grow and these were also unconsciously woven into my new egg, but, again, I was unaware that I was creating a new shell. I believed I was striving towards growth and accomplishment and freedom. A REAL life! I had hit my stride, I was a ruler of my domain!

Then my second Saturn Return arrived-

the conceptual and experiential egg I had been crafting and gestating in and wholly believing in was utterly shattered. I cracked through the remaining broken shell and realized that all I had thought true and real was in fact of my own creation and perception and also my grand delusion of Who I Was. In fact, I woke to the TRUTH of Maya, not the idea, and understood that there is no ‘I’ to create such a thing nor was there such a thing as the egg to begin with!

The egg was what I believed was my life, what I believed I should do to confirm my place in the World, the ‘Kingdom.’ Yet it was merely a dream, and not even wholly my dream.

And so Saturn destroyed my illusionary life. I lost my kingdom, my world, everyTHING I believed was part of me- but in fact it was never ‘mine’ nor is anything ever.

So, now I begin the journey towards my next Saturn Return.

Now I carefully begin the crafting of the third egg- but this time I am a bit wiser.

I know there is no ‘I’, I know that the illusion of the world, my works, my life and the people I think are in it are part of the illusion and Maya of what I perceive, not what IS.

I know that the truth is that I need not craft this egg at all, or if I do (and I can’t seem to help myself) at the least I can create it in such a way that it has a door to it that I may  use to step out of the egg at will and embrace the eternal Void that is my solace, my Truth and my True Love.

I know that if what I do and see and interact with is not of Love, then I must leave it out of my crafting Others I interact with , the things I cherish, my space and the living earth about me exists in this new phase of my life to love and to give me love in return.

And I know this: When I begin to trust and believe in and treat as real my Consensual Reality Paradigme, my egg, than I must take a time out to leave it. In this way I remember that this body-life-ego-psyche-Spirit is merely a vehicle, not a goal.

As I look forward to the third and likely final Saturn Return that I may or may not reach, I know that this final stage of ’my’ life is one littered with eggshell pieces and that each fragment has taught me something and helped me create the Nest that is the life I have lived, though I know now it is not ‘mine.’

When ‘I’ am gone in the not too distant future, I will have left this old Nest and my writings and art will become pieces of others eggs or will simply pass into the great dance of Maya, the dance of the Goddess, and so inform the Play. There is only one thing I have generated throughout this process that is not constrained by the eggs I have crafted, only one thing that can pass through all shells and which I will leave behind growing within all I know, teach and effect- that is Love.

There is nothing else of worth I have to impart to this world and those who inhabit it. Whether it is by word or deed or physical embrace or spiritual prayer or by any mode of transference, the open exchange of Love is what the whole process of egg creation and extension and destruction is all about.We exist as glowing seeds of Love, this I do know. And so, on it goes and I still have much ‘work’ to do, but my vision is a bit clearer.

And a final vision was granted to me as I saw and understood all of this. Call it a Thelemic postscript if you like:

The first egg we create and shatter before our first Saturn return embodies the HERMIT

The second egg we create and shatter before our second Saturn return embodies the LOVERS

The last egg we create and shatter before our third Saturn return (if we are so lucky!)  embodies the MAN OF EARTH

These I saw as The Hermit atu, The Lovers atu and the Hierophant atu = 10+7+6= 23

And this is all I saw and know of this teaching. Guru Hum.

Aion 131

December 25, 2017




Letting go
Moving on
Unfolding, letting your petals
So hard
So easy
Embrace Samsara.
The foolish wise man says: Nirvana is Samsara
The wise foolish man say, no no, neti neti;
In fact it is Samsara that is Nirvana
Look. One blink and- you are beyond. Trust me.
It is a simple shift of perception, direction, indication
The perceived hell that swirls about us- sadness, anger, hate, delusion, work, ennui, exhaustion, the drag drag DRAG of the material world
Is the gentle blanket that enfolds you and comforts you and embraces you
So that when you finally
BREATHE in out in out
And open to the infinite stars and space of the universe then then then
You will KNOW
There is nothing to fear
Nothing to wait for
Nothing to be sorry about or guilty about or wistful about or jealous about
Nothing to buy or sell or own or lack
Because as you die
You are reborn
You are every molecule of water in the pond
And all the life and death that cycles through it, and through the deep dark earth
And through the woods and sky and stars and the infinite
Cosmos that YOU are.
It doesn't make sense
It can not be explained or rationalized
Miracles of being simply are
Let go
So very very hard.
Close to impossible.
So easy
In silence I embrace Samsara
I embrace my life, all my scars and losses and pain and suffering and horror
I laugh for the sweetness of every moment of life
All will be reflected in the aeons of nonexistence that came before my birth
And will follow after my death; and none of it matters
Samsara: You are my Guru
You teach me all things
From you I emerged
You will devour me someday
So I am of you and you me
And we are all

Letting Getting Go

Letting Getting Go- Went- Gone - …

A year of Hel comes to an end, the sun is beginning to break through
The fog, gloom, the storms and ash fall from eruption
Settling, calming,
Scarred, tattered, damaged, wounded, beyond tears-
I am still alive
Yet broken.
The Lesson I am told….again and again…:
Just…let….go…of IT
And others can see the need for this in the wrinkles, the scars and the smashan in my eyes
to LET GO.
This mantra fills me with dread, incomprehension and confusion
Such a simple, trite phrase revealing the core truth Truth
But it comes with no operation manual
No instructions on crossing the wasteland
There are no assembly directions or clear guidelines.
Do I let go of parts of the horror bit by bit?
This doesn't seem to work, the next day, like moss or mold, there is more there
It grows back
Like clearing a fiend that is covered with weeds again the next day.
Should I get aggressive?
Surgically cut my heart out?
Rip ALL the pain off like a band aid?
Burn it away in a pyric fire of emotional angst and anger?
The bleeding doesn't stop, the ashes are bitter, the flames never seem to die and I am left with burns and slashes for my efforts.
As I try to pull what’s left of my heart
From the smoldering resentments and anger and medical waste burning about me
How torn and bloodied and vivisected and dismembered and barely alive can love get
Before you have to LET GO?
And what of a love that is a deep rooted oak, not a sapling? One built of caring and caregiving and accepting illness and trials and full of responsibility embraced
with pains and joy?
When does the Illness trump the Star within it? When do you turn away?
I can’t – I have been thrown into the abyss because I can Let Go
But I am too stubborn to do so, my roots too intertwined.
I had a chance to leap, to sail away - but I didn’t- I couldn't.
It is no one’s fault but my own.
And so I was torn, screaming, crying, furious and uncomprehending and blind and stupid
Thrown into the abyss, into hell, into the whirling blades of Chaos.
And I was torn to pieces and vilified and spat upon and dumped in a pit to die.
But I didn't. Not quite. Not completely. I am stubborn.
And now the sky begins to clear
I drag myself from the lowest pit
Slowly, painfully, with help from those who love me more than I love myself.
I have embraced every demon
Every fault, every horrible fact about my life.
I have embraced my monster- I have had my heart ripped out
And it has been balanced against the Feather of Maat
And the Sword Feather of Maat has cut and cut and cut away at my heart
Until it balanced…and I am released.
Thinner, stronger, freer, sadder, I have clawed myself out of the grave prepared for me
By one I have truly deeply loved, who hated, reviled and wished me dead.
I almost lay in that quiet, comfortable, peaceful grave
But I still have work to do, responsibilities, those who love me
Now I lie panting, on the grave’s edge in the blasted rubble of my life.
I can barely move. But the sun peeks through the dark dissipating clouds
The blasted trees and burnt landscape begins to green
and I sense a life returning to my world.
Have I let go?
LET means to allow, GO means to move elsewhere- I have cracked opened the door
But I am still grasping the brambles, the cutting knife-like lies and the deep stab
of utter, complete betrayal
Because the demon Hope is the worst of them all
I hope that within this bloody, horrible mess, there is a spark of the love that was
Though I know this is not true.
So I still strive for this mantra’s truth: to Let Go.
From the wind I hear: there is a better mantra: RELEASE IT
RE again LEASE from LAXUS meaning relaxed or loose.
So maybe I can’t ever let go- but I can be able to Relax again,
to loosen the knots in my mind, heart and stomach.
Re-leasing the horror, slowly, carefully
Loosening this ordeal, pain by pain, wound by wound
Yes- this I can do.
For now I will sit here in the rubble
Letting the world come back into color
Letting the ashes and seared landscape grow green again
Open enough to accept the help and love of others
Beginning the process of re-lease self-hate, self destructive, self immolating drives
And find the calm spark of joy
Of being alive.


July3, 2017

(no subject)

Gardening Gaia

Disconnected, rejected, infected, neglected, worn like a an ancient bone
I come home
When my hands dig into the earth and I feel the flow
The green fills me and with every breath
The clouds of grey stresshateangersickness flow into her
And she composts my pain and the plants transmute my anger
And the green fills me with wonder and healing as the seeds spill from my fingers
Into her loving dark yoni and the pulse of the earth warms them
From the secret fires within the core of her heart
And smiling Helios reaches down from the blue infinite
A million golden arms and loving hands caressing her tree-covered voluptuousness
And the seeds awaken to life and I and the land awaken to life and are woven together
The earth embraces my roots as they descend and my feet dig into the mud
And my breath feeds the green and the green feeds my lungs
And the flesh is of my flesh and the blood is of my blood
And time drifts within the green and the music of rustling leaves and bird songs
Tentative animal rustles and a hawk’s cry form a timeless symphony
And for a time I am without separation, I am of Her, the great Earth Mother
And I honor her for there is nothing I am or have
or eat or drink or embrace that is not of her
We are of the Mother Earth, we return to her when our feet and hands embrace the loam
There is no greater meditation than this, no greater ritual or theology or magick
To be of the Earth is to be part of the Flow
To be part of the Green is to be one with Life
In this way, we are one with the eternal way.

Beltane 2017

Jai Hanumanji!!!


Lord of the Primates!
Monkey King!
Great Beast Gorilla Warrior!
I Honor you, I love you!
May I become you!

Strong and Mighty One!
Muscular and Meditative One!
Wild Berserker and Gentle Lover!
Your heart is open to the world!
I Honor you, I love you!
May I become you!

Jai Hanumanji!
You defeat all foes with your Staff of Power
You always rescue the Goddess
And adore the God
And Balance Both within your very being!
I Honor you, I love you!
May I become you!

I Climb the Tree of Life as You
I leap and cavort and howl as You
May I become you
And so take my place upon the Monkey Throne!
May I become you
And so be strong, full of might and indestructible!
May I become you
And be so the great Healer, the Devout One,
The Kind God Loving All!
Joining within
The God and Goddess
Who are ever and always my Heart
May I sit upon
The vine caressed flower-covered Lapis Throne
Tail curled back over shoulder
Strong and furry
Chanting loudly
Scepter-wand-club of power held forth!
I offer the Mudra of Blessing to All Living Beings
Especially to the Wild Ones! OM!
I Honor you, I love you!
May I become you!
And so embrace and empower the world
with love, power and play!
Jai Hanumanji!
Jai Hanumanji!
Jai Hanumanji!



Within the Circle of Mother Earth

A Star gestates

Embraced and wrapped about

With the dreams of Magi, Nebulas, Fractals

and Alchemical Amniotic Amrita

The Earth awakens

Unfolds as a blue and green lotus

And, in blooming, gives exquisite birth

To this Star.

And I awaken from this dream

Filled with lightning and laughter and lotus perfume

I, that Star ablaze in pure space

Pure consciousness

Dancing in spirals, bonded within the vast infinite cosmic weave;

linked in the dance and Pattern with all other stars.

We are One Cosmos, spiraling, joyfully moving;

Illuminating All

And I awaken from this dream

Into my consciousness as a human being

Who is dreaming as a star

Imagining life as a human being-

And I awaken into the Open Mind,

For there is no difference, and all is ONE.

Honor unto the Unity of Stars

Honor unto the Unity of Human Consciousness

Honor unto the Unity of Starfire and Flesh

With the stellar embrace of Gaia

And the Gaic embrace of the Star:

The Jewel in the Lotus.

-131-Spring Equinox 2017, at Earthstar